You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
