What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
