What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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