I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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