I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
