so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
