First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
