someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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