I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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