I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
