***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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