I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
