shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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