It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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