In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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