my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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