well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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