I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
