I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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