I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
