just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
