I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
