my phone needs a breathalizer
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
