I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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