Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
not ubering you a puppy
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
