Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
