new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Come share oat with me in your robe
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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