My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I have fence marks all over my body
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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