I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
