I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
