Already got asked if we're dating
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
