I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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