Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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