I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
