i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
