Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
