did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Holy sore nipples Batman
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
