Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
