sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
