i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
