I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
