i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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