You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
