i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
high people should be assigned attendants
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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