i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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