i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
