Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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