yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
