I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
