i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
