so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
